Today is a double anniversary. It would have been my 20th wedding anniversary, but five years ago today, I filed for divorce. The reason for this was multifaceted. I decided that I wasn’t going to be married 15 years and one day longer. Also, if I had a choice, I was not going to sully the calendar with another monument to sad choices.
If I am harsh on this, it is for good reason. But I won’t dwell on that today.
Each year, I go through old journal entries, leading up to this date. I was documenting a dark time in my life, which in some ways continued for other reasons. Struggles with my kids as well as an on-again-off-again relationship that eventually ended last year around this time.
Yesterday, I read journal entries. Last year. The year before. Five years ago. And unlike years past when I pondered on how far I had come, the challenges, the tears, the frustrations, and the victories…well, not long after I began, I decided I had read enough.
I closed out the journal.
My life is much different than it was even a year ago. I wonder what five years time will reveal in my life. Where I will be? What sorts of adventures will I have been on?
I didn’t need to read about my past to reinforce my progress and affirm that I am on the right path. In the past, it was important to look at old wounds to see how much I have healed. Occasionally, I do need to let the poison out, but yesterday, I didn’t feel the urge. I am grateful for the life I have now, though it does have its problems and challenges sometimes.
In the past I used to read these journal entries and see that I was far enough away from the things that were killing my spirit, coming to terms with them. This year, I looked at them and didn’t feel the urge to look at them any longer. I am moving on in my life.
I am happy.